I’ve been a victim of sexual abuse in my past, and I’m working through the repercussions of this - but I keep getting scared/worried that I’m ‘damaged goods’ now - and that I’ll never find a guy that would love me enough to want to be my husband etc. How do I work through this with God - any tips or things to focus on? Thanks for all that you do on the blog/podcast!
I am deeply and profoundly sorry that someone did that to you. Let us get one thing clear: you are not damaged goods. In fact for the first time in the history of this blog, I am going to have to go all caps lock on you: YOU ARE NOT DAMAGED GOODS.
You are a child of God who was purchased with the blood of Jesus and is a house of the Holy Spirit of God. What you are not, is damaged goods. If anyone ever tells that you are, feel free to direct them to me and I will explain that to them in person and possibly engage in a little Chicago style ‘laying on of hands”.
Sexual abuse does not define you. It defines your abuser. They are the person who made a decision and carried out an action. You were a victim. Not a participant, or an accomplice, a victim. That says nothing about you as a person.
No man worth giving the time of day is going to think any less of you because of this. Any guy who would look down on you for being the victim of abuse is a clown, a punk, and several other words that I will hold back in order to keep this a family show. To keep going on with your life and work through this shows an incredible strength of character and faith in the Lord. That is what a guy who gets it is going to see.
Your past is not a disabling injury, it is a battle scar that projects how tough and real you are. You should not be worried about if you will ever find a guy who is willing to accept your past. You should be focused on asking the Lord to send you a guy who can keep up with your bad self. You need to ask the Lord to help you remember who you are.
Also, the man you marry will have his own past. We all have painful things in our past. The Lord’s mercy is made new every morning, and that is something we all need to cling to. A godly man realizes the things the Lord has brought him through and saved him from and realizes that God is working the same way in the lives of others.
You are not impure because of this (check out this post by my boss and the internet’s favorite uncle, Unka Glen for more about that). You are not unlovable, you are not less of a person, and you are not damaged goods. You are a beloved daughter of the most high God, and there is nothing anyone can do to change that.-Matt from The Bridge
Anonymous asked: A little over a year ago, I was raped by a good friend who I thought was a Godly man. Now I’m not sure how to tell a future boyfriend about the loss of my purity, or how it will affect our relationship. How would I go about talking to him? Sexual purity has always been a big deal to me, and I don’t want to disappoint my future husband.
Unka Glen answered: That does it. [blowing loud whistle] Alright, everyone out of the pool. It’s over. This “purity” thing? That’s over. We’re done. No mas. Has anybody out there had an impure thought, an impure sexual desire, or wandered over to a website you shouldn’t have? Okay, I see everyone’s hand. NONE of us is pure. None. So, WE ARE NOT USING THIS WORD ANY MORE.
Tell me, my sister, who it was that told you that you would “disappoint” your husband because of something that SOMEONE ELSE did that somehow makes YOU impure? Give me the name, give me the address, because me and a vanload of the brothers from my day job are going to “lay hands” on somebody.
Don’t ever let anyone talk to you like that. And don’t let the enemy even finish his sentence when he tries to put that thought in your head. Find your pastor and tell him, we don’t need to hear about protecting a perfection or a purity that none of us has (Romans 3:23), we need to hear from you about boundaries, and about healing from mistakes we’ve made, and especially (in this case) about healing from mistakes that others have made towards us.
This is the thing with bad doctrine, it starts out with an idea that you wouldn’t think to reject, like purity. Purity is good, you should be pure. And you say, “right on, sounds good.” But purity is the unattainable goal of perfection we strive for, to think of purity as something that anyone (other than Jesus) is actually walking around with, that’s just bad doctrine, plain and simple.
At best, this “purity” talk inspires pride in people for doing nothing, and at worst, it condemns people in a way Jesus NEVER would.
Ministry isn’t about merely telling people: here is the ideal, live up to that (Luke 11:46). It’s about saying: we’re all imperfect and impure, and we’re all dealing with problems… some problems we created, and some were handed to us, but let me show you the road back to good spiritual health. Your future husband, I promise you, will be dealing with his own past. And of all the things that might make you impure my sister, you being raped is NOT one of them. Period. The End.
Any man who would reject you because of something like this, is someone you shouldn’t associate with, let alone date. Sexual assault is part of my wife’s public testimony, and I can tell you without ANY hesitation that I NEVER felt anything but love and sympathy for her past, and nothing but admiration and respect for the courageous woman she is today.
She deserves nothing less.